How Does a Helper of Children Who Have Lost Loved Ones Understand Grief?
Most humans living on this planet for any length of time have heard of the Kubler & Ross five stages of grief like it is a linear process that moves the griever through denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. On July 2, 2004, I lost my husband unexpectedly and my 12-year-old son and 16-year-old daughter lost their dad. We were all experiencing grief and sorrow, but the grief journey looked different in each one of us.
I was horrified to learn that my pre-teen son started having panic attacks after his dad’s death, but the real reason was I did not know. It was not on the 5 stages of grief chart! If I had known, I would have provided support and help. He did not understand that this panicky feeling was a grief response. In my young son’s mind, he was afraid he was dying too, like his dad. I found this out when he was almost 18 years old and understood more about life to call them panic attacks. A panic attack can be a frightening experience, and it often comes on suddenly. Here are some common symptoms:
Rapid heartbeat: Your heart might race or pound.
Shortness of breath: It can feel hard to breathe or like you’re choking.
Sweating: You might start sweating even if you’re not hot.
Shaking or trembling: Your body might shake involuntarily.
Chest pain: You could feel tightness or pain in your chest.
Dizziness: You might feel lightheaded or unsteady.
Nausea: Feeling queasy or having an upset stomach is common.
Fear of losing control: You might feel like you’re going crazy or losing control.
Numbness or tingling: You might feel tingling in your hands, feet, or face.
Feeling of detachment: You might feel disconnected from reality or your surroundings.
If you or someone else is experiencing these symptoms, it’s important to seek support and medical advice. Panic attacks can be managed with the right strategies and support systems.
Here are a few helpful tips for kids experiencing panic attacks:
Breathe deeply: Slow, deep breaths can help calm the mind and body. Taking deep and slow, breaths can help calm your mind and body. Try the 4-7-8 technique: inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7, and exhale for 8.
Grounding Techniques: Focus on your surroundings to bring yourself back to the present. You can use the 5-4-3-2-1 method: identify 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, and 1 you can taste.
Self-talk and Positive thoughts: Remind themselves that the feeling will pass. Remind yourself that you’re not in any real danger and that you’re going to be okay.
Stay grounded: Focusing on sensory experiences, like touching something soft or listening to music, can help.
Positive Visualization: Picture a calm, safe place in your mind. It could be a beach, a forest, or any place where you feel relaxed and safe.
I wish there were more compelling books out there for children, teens, and almost adults to read that were written from their point of view. Children may not have the knowledge or vocabulary to express how they feel or tell us what they need. Besides, these children may sense there are other family members grieving differently than how they are feeling. The parents left behind are adjusting to a life without their partner, financial decisions, and have become a single parent. If a parent is pretending everything is okay and children are naturally resilient, it may stifle the child’s response to loss.
The image below indicates that the stages of grief are not linear and that there are a range of emotions that can occur on any given day or hour.
Every child and person will grieve and likely land somewhere in between the five stages of grief and the non-linear processes of grief from the chart above. There are events in our lives that can trigger grief unexpectedly.
Using a personal illustration as an adult griever, I started taking ballroom dance classes to help me move my body and myself through the grief process. One day, my usual Egyptian dance instructor was not available for my lesson. The substitute instructor was very technical and so the salsa steps and my body’s movements were not in alignment with how he thought it should be. I kept trying but I could feel my frustration rising until I had an unexpected and complete meltdown right there in the middle of the dance studio. My own lack of control was a grief trigger for me. My poor dance teacher did not know what to do with me. Eventually, I learned the pattern and my feet moved correctly.
I saw on an Instagram post recently, sometimes grief is like a snowflake, soft, and gentle and other times it roars in like a blizzard. Take care of yourselves and the children with these thoughts in mind.
